Fuck!

I'm feeling really sick right now.

I'm emotional and . . . just spent when it comes to feeling......anything really.

I hate being insecure, I haven't figured out how to change it.

Partly because I can't talk myself into fully believing my insecurities are wrong.

Great...gotta go

Step 1

I joined at gym. I worked my butt off today....I've never sweated like that in my life! And I feel good about it. I really want to get my craving under control....I don't even know if it is cravings or just thing fucked way of thinking about food too often and wanting it for reasons other than hunger...UGH!

I'm also VERY hormonal and feeling out of control of my emotions and it ANGERS ME!

Breathe

I've been in counseling with the same counselor since 2004. It hurts my heart to be leaving this process and this person.

For reasons that I don't feel like getting into right this moment my "counseling" group was turned into "life coaching". I figured that it was just a label and it wouldn't matter really...I was wrong.

Life coaching is not an open floor discussion on anything and everything that may need to be brought up. It's not gaining tools to use in life. It's got more structure as far as what is being worked on or talked about. In my experience it's basically a support group for people working hard on goals and a great resource for doing the things you need to do in that process. That's great, it's working for a lot of people and it has even helped me in that area. I just don't think I am done growing in the areas where the counseling was helping me. I have learned so much about who I am, who I want to be and how to be that person. From what I can tell that's an on going process that is both hard and enjoyable and highly rewarding.

With luck I found David, my counselor, who is a wealth of knowledge. He's a real person who has guided me instead of teaching me. In other words he counseled me in a way that was learning and growing from within myself. Of course he taught things or advised things....but really everything was left up to how I would take what he would say and make it fit for my way of thinking or my life. I can talk to him and see how much counseling really excites him, how passionate he is about his work. I can tell that he grows and learns from his clients and he cherishes that. It's been a blessing to work so closely with him for so long and to have him celebrate my success with the things I have chosen to work. When he's proud of me I know he is proud of himself for helping me along the way.

Maybe it's sad or sounds stupid...the fact is that he was the first man I've ever fully trusted and without that experience I don't know if I would be able to trust any man. I love David for helping me live up to my potential as a wife and a mother and for never giving up on me over the last 5 years of hard work. Psychology is very interesting to me and I've gained a lot of insight while watching him counsel other group members and that's awesome....food for thought I guess you could say.

I guess the bottom line is that I really like myself. I have grown so much in the last 5 years...mostly the last 3. I have forgiven, I have achieved goals, I have trusted, I have loved with my whole heart and I have been brave enough to be me without fear of what anyone else might think or say. I've gained the ability to listen to criticism and process that as helpful information or consider the source and know when to brush it off. I have learned how I can love someone and not love everything about them, without judging. I've learned how to open up...sometimes too much I suppose...I really think I could go on for a long time. I just can't express how valuable counseling has been for me and I am so thankful I can walk away knowing that I am strong enough to face my life and stay true to myself.

I am moving on. I'm going to continue setting goals and reaching them. I'm going to probably do some one on one counseling here and there since I just learned that my insurance will cover that again....but sadly that will not be with David, but one of his coworkers...who I have worked with in a group setting in the past. There is also a change that David will be counseling again in the future...and I will for sure be his client again if that happens. I am really going to miss him. I have gotten to the point where I don't NEED him to validate things for me like I did at one point....now I just have to work on not WANTING that from him. It's difficult when I have grown to value his ideas and opinions so much because they have been so helpful for me. It's difficult to walk away from someone I trust so dearly when there are so few people in my life I can honestly say that about. I know I can trust him because when I don't actually take his advice he isn't upset or annoyed he's open to the way I choose to deal with it. He isn't up on a soap box telling me the way it is he's connected and committed to helping people progress in whatever it is they are working on and helping people improve the quality of their lives.

I'm totally going on and on...I'm just really emotional about this tonight and I have so much to say about it and I don't know anyone other than Allen that would be interested in listening to me talk about it forever lol

My ears hurt...I'm pretty sure they are infected. I've been taking my antibiotic though, so I hope I can get rid of it without going to the doctor again.

I'm tired and honestly...I'm avoiding cleaning my kitchen. I just don't want to!

I've been neglecting my blog because I found out that I can watch full episodes of Real World on the MTV site....I've been watching it for so many years I still love it. I'm a reality TV junkie...not everything, I do have my lines....but I like most of it.

I didn't go to Curves. I know...I sound like an alcoholic right? hanging my head and confessing to still drinking my sorrows away. I was going to blog more about it....but I just feel disgusted with myself right now....it's becoming something regular for me. Feeling fed up or just ashamed with me. I did buy a water today instead of a Pepsi.....I wish that could mean more.

So....I'm off to clean and get my nightly installment of Real World . . . . it's a good season! And I don't even have to wait a week between shows!

Come on get down with the sickness

Back to a sinus infection....it's worse now...yay!

I didn't take enough of the antibiotic to kill all the infection so really it's my own fault. The pills burn though! It's crazy....I should have called and asked for something different....but I didn't and now I'm paying the price.

Tomorrow I go in to check out Curves...I also plan to check our Stroh's tomorrow too. That would be my first choice....so we'll see if we can afford it. Curves has no start up fee right now and it's 30 bucks a month....so that's doable....maybe I shouldn't go in there when I'm sick....but I figured that I scheduled to go tomorrow and I don't want to use this as an excuses to not make it in. So, I'm going anyway.

Ok...I was going to keep going....but I feel like crap. I have a few things to check out then I'm off to bed.

So, I suck. I haven't been controlling myself. I've been drinking soda and eating junk. Yeah Jamie just think positively! That'll do it! FUCK! Then at the end of the day I just sit here by myself and hate myself for it. It's this sick circle! Do I need the self abuse, is it some kind of sick pleasure that I can't wrap my brain around? I mean seriously!

So here's my next attempt and doing something that doesn't make me fatter...

There's a Curve's not too far from my house and a huge sign that says NO SERVICE CHARGE! So, I'm going to look it up and see what's up. I wish there was a Gold's near me. They have an awesome deal going on I can't believe it...too bad they suck and are so far away.

On a happy note my sister actually called me today! Allen was under some impression that she calls me everyday...this is the second time she's called since she's been in California...so I don't know who he gets his information from....anyway it was nice. I miss her :( She'll be here for Ian's first Birthday...and a belated 21st Birthday for Emily...so that's going to be a great week for me! It will be my first time ACTUALLY drinking since Kaylee's 21st....it'll be great! I've never been drunk WITH Em before! We're gonna be smashed! Then I'll drink again in another few years lol

Ok off to research!

It's past my bedtime I know....but it's better to be sitting here typing than sitting upstairs eating candy...which is what I'm willing myself away from right now.

We got Hannah an small trampoline for Christmas and I've been thinking about starting to use it. It would burn fat and I can do it right in the living room or down here in the family room...depending on where I can get the most privacy....(like that exists around her! HA!) Anyway...that and I think I can start walking again. Mid day seems to be nice enough for me to take the kids out...so that's in the plan as well.

I'm hormonal right now and it's not doing me any favors! I didn't do most of what I had planned for today. I didn't even go to group! I went to my brothers ice skating lesson instead. I'm thinking about not going to group anymore, I really do get a lot out of it...and I do like it. It's just that since it changed from counseling to life coaching I just don't have the freedom in there that I need. I was thinking that I could keep that time slot every week and go do something by myself for a couple of hours. Like go visit friends or go sit and write or read or ya know....whatever I feel like that day....I just don't think I'd stick to it. I'd probably never take the time...I'd stay home or take my family with me....I dunno.....it's not a good decision making day for me.

Ok I'm going to clean.....I need a book!