Fuck!

I'm feeling really sick right now.

I'm emotional and . . . just spent when it comes to feeling......anything really.

I hate being insecure, I haven't figured out how to change it.

Partly because I can't talk myself into fully believing my insecurities are wrong.

Great...gotta go

Step 1

I joined at gym. I worked my butt off today....I've never sweated like that in my life! And I feel good about it. I really want to get my craving under control....I don't even know if it is cravings or just thing fucked way of thinking about food too often and wanting it for reasons other than hunger...UGH!

I'm also VERY hormonal and feeling out of control of my emotions and it ANGERS ME!

Breathe

I've been in counseling with the same counselor since 2004. It hurts my heart to be leaving this process and this person.

For reasons that I don't feel like getting into right this moment my "counseling" group was turned into "life coaching". I figured that it was just a label and it wouldn't matter really...I was wrong.

Life coaching is not an open floor discussion on anything and everything that may need to be brought up. It's not gaining tools to use in life. It's got more structure as far as what is being worked on or talked about. In my experience it's basically a support group for people working hard on goals and a great resource for doing the things you need to do in that process. That's great, it's working for a lot of people and it has even helped me in that area. I just don't think I am done growing in the areas where the counseling was helping me. I have learned so much about who I am, who I want to be and how to be that person. From what I can tell that's an on going process that is both hard and enjoyable and highly rewarding.

With luck I found David, my counselor, who is a wealth of knowledge. He's a real person who has guided me instead of teaching me. In other words he counseled me in a way that was learning and growing from within myself. Of course he taught things or advised things....but really everything was left up to how I would take what he would say and make it fit for my way of thinking or my life. I can talk to him and see how much counseling really excites him, how passionate he is about his work. I can tell that he grows and learns from his clients and he cherishes that. It's been a blessing to work so closely with him for so long and to have him celebrate my success with the things I have chosen to work. When he's proud of me I know he is proud of himself for helping me along the way.

Maybe it's sad or sounds stupid...the fact is that he was the first man I've ever fully trusted and without that experience I don't know if I would be able to trust any man. I love David for helping me live up to my potential as a wife and a mother and for never giving up on me over the last 5 years of hard work. Psychology is very interesting to me and I've gained a lot of insight while watching him counsel other group members and that's awesome....food for thought I guess you could say.

I guess the bottom line is that I really like myself. I have grown so much in the last 5 years...mostly the last 3. I have forgiven, I have achieved goals, I have trusted, I have loved with my whole heart and I have been brave enough to be me without fear of what anyone else might think or say. I've gained the ability to listen to criticism and process that as helpful information or consider the source and know when to brush it off. I have learned how I can love someone and not love everything about them, without judging. I've learned how to open up...sometimes too much I suppose...I really think I could go on for a long time. I just can't express how valuable counseling has been for me and I am so thankful I can walk away knowing that I am strong enough to face my life and stay true to myself.

I am moving on. I'm going to continue setting goals and reaching them. I'm going to probably do some one on one counseling here and there since I just learned that my insurance will cover that again....but sadly that will not be with David, but one of his coworkers...who I have worked with in a group setting in the past. There is also a change that David will be counseling again in the future...and I will for sure be his client again if that happens. I am really going to miss him. I have gotten to the point where I don't NEED him to validate things for me like I did at one point....now I just have to work on not WANTING that from him. It's difficult when I have grown to value his ideas and opinions so much because they have been so helpful for me. It's difficult to walk away from someone I trust so dearly when there are so few people in my life I can honestly say that about. I know I can trust him because when I don't actually take his advice he isn't upset or annoyed he's open to the way I choose to deal with it. He isn't up on a soap box telling me the way it is he's connected and committed to helping people progress in whatever it is they are working on and helping people improve the quality of their lives.

I'm totally going on and on...I'm just really emotional about this tonight and I have so much to say about it and I don't know anyone other than Allen that would be interested in listening to me talk about it forever lol

My ears hurt...I'm pretty sure they are infected. I've been taking my antibiotic though, so I hope I can get rid of it without going to the doctor again.

I'm tired and honestly...I'm avoiding cleaning my kitchen. I just don't want to!

I've been neglecting my blog because I found out that I can watch full episodes of Real World on the MTV site....I've been watching it for so many years I still love it. I'm a reality TV junkie...not everything, I do have my lines....but I like most of it.

I didn't go to Curves. I know...I sound like an alcoholic right? hanging my head and confessing to still drinking my sorrows away. I was going to blog more about it....but I just feel disgusted with myself right now....it's becoming something regular for me. Feeling fed up or just ashamed with me. I did buy a water today instead of a Pepsi.....I wish that could mean more.

So....I'm off to clean and get my nightly installment of Real World . . . . it's a good season! And I don't even have to wait a week between shows!

Come on get down with the sickness

Back to a sinus infection....it's worse now...yay!

I didn't take enough of the antibiotic to kill all the infection so really it's my own fault. The pills burn though! It's crazy....I should have called and asked for something different....but I didn't and now I'm paying the price.

Tomorrow I go in to check out Curves...I also plan to check our Stroh's tomorrow too. That would be my first choice....so we'll see if we can afford it. Curves has no start up fee right now and it's 30 bucks a month....so that's doable....maybe I shouldn't go in there when I'm sick....but I figured that I scheduled to go tomorrow and I don't want to use this as an excuses to not make it in. So, I'm going anyway.

Ok...I was going to keep going....but I feel like crap. I have a few things to check out then I'm off to bed.

So, I suck. I haven't been controlling myself. I've been drinking soda and eating junk. Yeah Jamie just think positively! That'll do it! FUCK! Then at the end of the day I just sit here by myself and hate myself for it. It's this sick circle! Do I need the self abuse, is it some kind of sick pleasure that I can't wrap my brain around? I mean seriously!

So here's my next attempt and doing something that doesn't make me fatter...

There's a Curve's not too far from my house and a huge sign that says NO SERVICE CHARGE! So, I'm going to look it up and see what's up. I wish there was a Gold's near me. They have an awesome deal going on I can't believe it...too bad they suck and are so far away.

On a happy note my sister actually called me today! Allen was under some impression that she calls me everyday...this is the second time she's called since she's been in California...so I don't know who he gets his information from....anyway it was nice. I miss her :( She'll be here for Ian's first Birthday...and a belated 21st Birthday for Emily...so that's going to be a great week for me! It will be my first time ACTUALLY drinking since Kaylee's 21st....it'll be great! I've never been drunk WITH Em before! We're gonna be smashed! Then I'll drink again in another few years lol

Ok off to research!

It's past my bedtime I know....but it's better to be sitting here typing than sitting upstairs eating candy...which is what I'm willing myself away from right now.

We got Hannah an small trampoline for Christmas and I've been thinking about starting to use it. It would burn fat and I can do it right in the living room or down here in the family room...depending on where I can get the most privacy....(like that exists around her! HA!) Anyway...that and I think I can start walking again. Mid day seems to be nice enough for me to take the kids out...so that's in the plan as well.

I'm hormonal right now and it's not doing me any favors! I didn't do most of what I had planned for today. I didn't even go to group! I went to my brothers ice skating lesson instead. I'm thinking about not going to group anymore, I really do get a lot out of it...and I do like it. It's just that since it changed from counseling to life coaching I just don't have the freedom in there that I need. I was thinking that I could keep that time slot every week and go do something by myself for a couple of hours. Like go visit friends or go sit and write or read or ya know....whatever I feel like that day....I just don't think I'd stick to it. I'd probably never take the time...I'd stay home or take my family with me....I dunno.....it's not a good decision making day for me.

Ok I'm going to clean.....I need a book!

Why doesn't someone rock ME to sleep?

I can't seem to get going today. I'd love nothing more than to go lay in my bed with a book and read till I fall asleep....and when I wake up...do it again. But, no! I'll go clean my house and do some laundry and cook some food and later I'll take a shower and go to group. When I get home I'll probably cook again and watch some tv and give Ian a bath and maybe bake some bread. More laundry for sure, and there's always the bed time battle....because nobody under the age of 27 is EVER tired in this house!

Word vomit....I know....and it's really just a normal day. And usually I focus on the good/fun of the day...I just can't today....not yet anyway. I'll try.

Here I go to face the day.....I'm being a bum today....I know. I'm hormonal...so this is the Jamie life gets today.

Suck

It's 3:33 in the morning and I've been up straightening my hair and making cupcakes for Hannah's Birthday party tomorrow. She couldn't sleep....excitement and the strong winds making scary noises outside....mostly excitement though! I"m heading to bed now...even though Allen hasn't made it home yet....last I knew the trains were on time...but his phone was going dead...anything could have happened, stupid trains.

I can't believe I have a 5 year old! It's crazy to me...I remember being 5 very clearly! It's so strange.....She's a much better 5 than I was though....I am so so excited about tomorrow too...I always get so excited for her Birthday and I'm already excited about Ian's. I actually take the time to be thankful for the day they were born and I enjoy celebrating it all day long. Special breakfast, snack, lunch and dinner...I pack in as much special as I can lol....I really out did myself on her 3rd Birthday and it was a learning experience for sure! I don't stress over Birthday's now...I did that year and I didn't get to enjoy the day like I wanted to. Of course something stressful usually happens anyway....but it doesn't ruin my day and it surely isn't because I've tried to cram too much into one day.

Anyway...I didn't make my bed time....but I did the last two night! GO ME!

Goodnight my nonexistent fans :)

So close...

My son woke up when we got home late from my brother's Birthday dinner. I gave him a bath and it energized his little butt...not what I was going for! But I think it's finally relaxing. I left him in his swing with the lights off and the tv on....sometimes he needs his alone time too....so I don't think I'll make my goal tonight, but it will be close....thank goodness there is another 12:30 tomorrow night!

Tomorrow is payday....bill paying day, sharp shooters day and Allen's night off. Saturday is the parade...so I've got a lot going on this next week or so...with Hannah's Birthday and all. So...I think I'll be plenty active and I am getting my housework in...which is good calorie burning time...so I'm feeling better.....some.

I went to the Discovery School and to University today to see about enrolling Hannah. It's going to be a process and I'm not sure which one she will be going to. I'll put that blog off again...going to check on my little Bam Bam and get to bed asap....goodnight blog world

Confessions of a fat girl

I'm so fed up with myself! I seriously lack discipline and structure, and the motivation to really take care of myself. I mean really...I regulate what my children eat and what they do to an extent, trying to get them to be healthy and active and not turn into tv watching, game playing constant snackers of junk food. But do I do the same for myself? Oh yeah...sure I do....for a week or so at a time.

It starts with a half a Pepsi....then before I know it I'm so pissed at myself that I let go of control of what I'm drinking, eating and NOT doing!

Last night...so late that it was early...I decided that I needed hashbrowns. . . buttery salty cheesey hashbrowns....3 potatoes worth! So....I can find the energy to get up and make homemade hashbrowns in the middle of the night but I can muster up enough energy to exercise for 30 minutes a day? I mean really....I don't concider this being hard on myself (like I'm not supposed to do anymore) but just being real with myself. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being good for a week and once I see a chinge in my energy or the way I feel I fuck it up! I mean shit...do I want this or is it just something to talk about and WHY do I actually believe at times that I NEED something bad for me? Or that I deserve it? Foolish!

I don't want to start over AGAIN...but I am....because what else can I do at this point. I just don't want KEEP stating over....I want to get this weight off and feel sexy and pretty again. I want to flaunt my body for Allen the way I did when we first met...not hide it and cringe when he touches me because it makes it impossible to pretend I don't have huge rolls of fat on my body. When he tells me I'm hot or sexy or beautiful...I want to say thank you because I believe him....not because I feel like it's a sweet nothing that maybe he feels obligated to say to me.

I'm angry...at me! I feel like I don't have control. When I'm doing good it's because I am so concious of everything I'm doing all day long....and that's what I have to do to make it work. And when I'm down and being a pig and being lazy it's because I just don't give it a thought. I don't think about what I eat until it's too late and it's down the hatch. And every now and then when I actually do think about it...I talk myself into it....like I can cheat a little here and there....or I deserve it...or something like that and it's bullshit and I know it. I don't have a spacific diet because I know I wouldn't stick to it...and I'm pretty picky. So my plan has been to change the way I cook to a healthy way...no fast food....no junk snacks no soda or coffee. And when I'm stone cold on it, it works great. I've actully tried some new things and found some ways of cutting fat in my cooking that I perfer....but if I relax just one time...just one meal or snack....if I forget for one minute that I have to be strong....I lose it.

New goal:

SLEEP!

I keep reading and seeing on TV that sleep is so important to getting healthy. I know it's true and yet I've never make it a priority. So...I'm giving it a shot....it's 2:38 am...and my goal is to be sleeping at this time tomorrow. I'm going to start off by saying that my goal is to be in bed by 12:30 at night. That gives me an hour to blog, journal, read or whatever after Allen leaves for work. At the end of most days I really do love my quite and alone time and I'm not so ready to give that up. What I'm thinking is that if I can keep that up for a couple of weeks I will increase my energy and I can schedule some me time in during the day and then I can start going to bed when he leaves at 11:30 each night. And honestly, I've always been a night person and I don't think I'd be good at going to bed any earlier than that....but we shall see....who knows. Hannah starts school this year and it means earlier mornings for me every moring...so somethat's gotta give!

Speek of Hannah starting school....I have to get up in the morning and get me and the kids ready (find a sitter for a while since I forgot) because I have an appointment at the Discovery School for a tour. Then I'll schedule an appointment for Hannah to go there and check it out...then go from there. I'm very excited and very hopeful that will get in....it seems like such a perfect fit for her...but I think that's a blog for tomorrow.

sweet dreams

Seriously?

It's been a long day. I'm feeling really guilty because my brother, Cameron, stayed the night last night and I wasn't a very good host. I'm pretty sure that I have a sinus infection. After a couple of weeks (maybe more?) of just dealing with it or taking over the counter meds & putting my heating pad on my face I'm actually going in to get an antibiotic tomorrow. He wanted to stay another night but I just couldn't do it. I had a hellish trip to the store with him and my two and by the time I got back home my whole head was pounding. I didn't get much sleep last night so today when Ian took a nap I took one with him....and I'm feeling bad that I wasn't spending time with him. I'll have to have him over soon to make it up to him.

Last weekend Allen and I have the most serious argument we've ever had. It was pretty deep and yet productive. It was a tough one, but I'm feeling good about it now and I've been thinking about it because it turned out to be what we needed. It's like there was all this crap building up and once it exploded and we both vented it just melted. I mean, not exactly since we both have things that we had to change or work on...but the thing is that we are doing it and it's working. It was very emotionally draining but worth it. Sometimes I need things to be put back into perspective and that's definitely did the trick.

Some more guilt.... I've been setting goals for myself lately and doing a good job, which is the new part of this whole process. One of my goals is to loose weight. I've been doing really well. I caved tonight though and bought a Pepsi. I drank a little more than half and now it's trash. I haven't been eating sweets or salty snacks...that's my real downfall. I wish I wouldn't have drank the soda, and I'm glad I didn't drink the whole thing. Also, I just bought one 20oz bottle, so I don't have a stock tempting me till I drink it all. The best news is that house work burns a lot of calories....so my house is lookin' good. Tomorrow I'm adding more activity. I think it's going to be dancing. I can do that with my kids so it's more likely to work for me. I'm also trying to be less hard on myself, that's not going as well. Once I made that a goal I realized how much negative internal dialogue I have. I go to counseling and it was brought to my attention several weeks ago that I am hard on myself and if I gave myself some credit and a little slack I might find it easier to lighten up and probably be even more productive. I'm finding that to be true, it's just hard to be positive to me about me sometimes. That's yucky huh? And it's a piss poor example to show my children....so I'm working on it.

Well...I'm out of here I have to send out emails about Hannah's Birthday party....bitter sweet! I've been looking into schools for her, it rough lol....I feel so sad yet so much pride when my kids hit new milestones. I'm a baby...I know!

Today

Hi! I'm excited to do my first post on here. I've been thinking a while about creating a new blog, something more private, and here it is...thanks Jennifer! I intend on this being more like my personal journal, so it will be more raw or real than something I would post on myspace....so I hope I can keep this private when needed? I haven't checked this site out yet. I won't be inviting people here...just never know who might pop up though. Anyway what I wanted to say is that I don't want to hole back in my postings...I'm at a good place in my life, on a personal level, and this will be good for me. In case anyone I know ends up reading this (or whoever really)...there will be things you don't want to read....so don't keep reading if you're not willing to just take it in. I'm not here to be judged. Feedback is one thing, negativity and judgement is aonther....myspace me if you can't control yourself lol. I'm off to check this thing out....blog soon.