Confessions of a fat girl

I'm so fed up with myself! I seriously lack discipline and structure, and the motivation to really take care of myself. I mean really...I regulate what my children eat and what they do to an extent, trying to get them to be healthy and active and not turn into tv watching, game playing constant snackers of junk food. But do I do the same for myself? Oh yeah...sure I do....for a week or so at a time.

It starts with a half a Pepsi....then before I know it I'm so pissed at myself that I let go of control of what I'm drinking, eating and NOT doing!

Last night...so late that it was early...I decided that I needed hashbrowns. . . buttery salty cheesey hashbrowns....3 potatoes worth! So....I can find the energy to get up and make homemade hashbrowns in the middle of the night but I can muster up enough energy to exercise for 30 minutes a day? I mean really....I don't concider this being hard on myself (like I'm not supposed to do anymore) but just being real with myself. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being good for a week and once I see a chinge in my energy or the way I feel I fuck it up! I mean shit...do I want this or is it just something to talk about and WHY do I actually believe at times that I NEED something bad for me? Or that I deserve it? Foolish!

I don't want to start over AGAIN...but I am....because what else can I do at this point. I just don't want KEEP stating over....I want to get this weight off and feel sexy and pretty again. I want to flaunt my body for Allen the way I did when we first met...not hide it and cringe when he touches me because it makes it impossible to pretend I don't have huge rolls of fat on my body. When he tells me I'm hot or sexy or beautiful...I want to say thank you because I believe him....not because I feel like it's a sweet nothing that maybe he feels obligated to say to me.

I'm angry...at me! I feel like I don't have control. When I'm doing good it's because I am so concious of everything I'm doing all day long....and that's what I have to do to make it work. And when I'm down and being a pig and being lazy it's because I just don't give it a thought. I don't think about what I eat until it's too late and it's down the hatch. And every now and then when I actually do think about it...I talk myself into it....like I can cheat a little here and there....or I deserve it...or something like that and it's bullshit and I know it. I don't have a spacific diet because I know I wouldn't stick to it...and I'm pretty picky. So my plan has been to change the way I cook to a healthy way...no fast food....no junk snacks no soda or coffee. And when I'm stone cold on it, it works great. I've actully tried some new things and found some ways of cutting fat in my cooking that I perfer....but if I relax just one time...just one meal or snack....if I forget for one minute that I have to be strong....I lose it.

New goal:

SLEEP!

I keep reading and seeing on TV that sleep is so important to getting healthy. I know it's true and yet I've never make it a priority. So...I'm giving it a shot....it's 2:38 am...and my goal is to be sleeping at this time tomorrow. I'm going to start off by saying that my goal is to be in bed by 12:30 at night. That gives me an hour to blog, journal, read or whatever after Allen leaves for work. At the end of most days I really do love my quite and alone time and I'm not so ready to give that up. What I'm thinking is that if I can keep that up for a couple of weeks I will increase my energy and I can schedule some me time in during the day and then I can start going to bed when he leaves at 11:30 each night. And honestly, I've always been a night person and I don't think I'd be good at going to bed any earlier than that....but we shall see....who knows. Hannah starts school this year and it means earlier mornings for me every moring...so somethat's gotta give!

Speek of Hannah starting school....I have to get up in the morning and get me and the kids ready (find a sitter for a while since I forgot) because I have an appointment at the Discovery School for a tour. Then I'll schedule an appointment for Hannah to go there and check it out...then go from there. I'm very excited and very hopeful that will get in....it seems like such a perfect fit for her...but I think that's a blog for tomorrow.

sweet dreams